Ramblings of a Teenage Girl

Month

January 2011

3 posts

Changes.

Twenty days it has been into the new year and so far I have not been disappointed. My new classes have been on the easy side so far and my professors are surprisingly decent. I’ve begun to slowly take myself out of my comfort zone, and it just may be one of the best decisions I’ve made in a while. Reason being that It helped me to meet a boy in my english class.

How? During our second class he sat in the seat in front of me, and when the professor assigned a group assignment I instantly was greatful that I had just discovered D-ray was in my class. But of course, we were to join into groups of three. Then I had an idea. I noticed the cute boy in the blue plaid flannel glancing around the class before starting to read the assignment himself, like I would normally be doing in these situations, so, taking control, I told him to join our group. We worked on the assignment and then after a while I finally introduced myself and found out his name was Joe. Before turning in the assignment at the end of class I got a little sneaky and found out his last name via the top of the paper, and a little while after class I began my facebook search. I can’t really tell you what came over me that day, I am certainly not that pushy. But now Im pretty glad it happened. Sure I realized that at this point he probably thought I was some creepy chick with red and purple hair from his english class. But I figured that if he actually got the chance to get to know me I could either disway that thought, or confirm it. Either way, whatever happens, happens.

Upon getting to know Joe I found out that he was going to school for exactly what I had wanted to before randomly deciding to be a business major instead. We had indepth conversations about literature and the lost youth of our society, among other things, and It was great. The more that I talked to him the more I started to like him. Yesterday we hung out at school after his class and before mine. I thought it was going to be awkward at first because we both seem to be such quiet people, but to my surprise I was laughing the whole time, I was even god damn blushing, it was ridiculous in the best possible way. Then he asked me to go to the movies, which we went to today. 

We went to go see the Green Hornet after our english class. At this point, while I knew that I liked him, and I knew that he knew that I liked him, I wasn’t exactly sure what he thought of me. Then he started to inch his hand toward mine like half way through the movie. My heart was about to jump out of my chest it was beating so fast. After a few minutes I started to think that maybe I was mistaken in my assumption because he hadn’t made any further effort to take my hand. I shook those thoughts away pretty fast, however, after I noticed him glancing my way every 10 seconds. It was then that I got a little flash back of our first encounter, so I decided to help him out a little. So once his hand was finally touching mine I grabbed it and proceeded to make fun of him a little for taking such a long time with it, even though honestly I thought it was really cute. x] 

Hand-holding quickly turned into the barrier between our seats being removed and his arm wrapping around my shoulders and continuing to hold my hand. Once we got situated he whispered in my ear that I looked pretty today, even with the stupid 3-d glasses on. It was at this point that I officially turned to goo. The movie was long forgotten and I just made myself comfortable in his arms, still partially unbelieving that I was there. Even after the movie we just sat there for a while, unwanting the moment to end. It was comfortable embrace, he rubbled little circles on my hand and every so often he would tighten his hold on me momentarily and then rest his head upon my own.  I have to say, I haven’t been that happy in a long time.

Many happy blogs to come I hope. x]

Jan 21, 2011
My mind's process.

Yeahhh, so I guess I really should be sleeping since I have school in the morning and stuff, but how often do I ever really listen to my own advice? haha. So anyway, I’ve just been sitting here, uploading CD’s onto my laptop’s itunes, ‘doing math homework’ and analyzing my life up to this point. I’ve come to the realization that I really haven’t done a whole lot, and there is sooo much that I want to do in my life. The more I think about it the more aggravated I become because I know I most likely won’t ever get around to doing half the things that I want to do before my life is over. You really never know when that could be, I mean for all I know I could get into a tragic accident tomorrow morning on my way to school. And then that’s it.

Which then leads me to the thoughts of what really happens to you after you die? I mean I 100% believe in ghosts, I’ve had too many experiences with them not to.. But it’s not like everyone stays behind in that form. My question is why? How do you become a ghost? I think that if I were to die young I would want to be able to hang around and haunt people, keep tabs on my loved ones. I imagine It would be incredibly depressing and lonely though. At the same time though, if you don’t become a ghost, then what happens to you? I can’t imagine there being a paradise up in the clouds or a firey pit below our feet full of souls. Or maybe you just relive your life over and over again in a dream like state, with the ability to know how things would turn out if you made certain choices. Oh the things I would do differently. Then again, maybe there’s something to the whole reincarnation idea. If there’s any legitimacy to that theory, I would love to be able to remember my past lives. That would be pretty sweet. 

Then sometimes I think that the reason I have such a hard time picturing what my life will be like in the future is because I’m going to die before I get the chance to do anything with it. It sounds really stupid and illogical, trust me I know it does, but I’m usually pretty good with making plans and seeing them play out in my head. So either some higher being decided that they want my future to be a surprise, or I’m just too indecisive to be able to think it out long enough before my mind changes. My bet is on the indecisive one. Because I really don’t know what I want, not completely anyway.

Man that really came out to be a lot more melodramatic and gloomy than I had anticipated. I’ve just gotten myself into one of those moods lately I suppose, I should probably stop thinking so much. Ah well.

Jan 10, 2011
2010.

I decided on New Years that I was going to summarize my life during 2010 and then list out the future goals I have for myself. Then about seven sentences into writing it I just got depressed and couldn’t bring myself to finish. But it needs to be done. To put things simply 2010 was a very complicated time in my life. The fact that that previous sentence contradicts itself proves my point entirely. There is no simple way to summarize the past year. I graduated High school, completed my first semester of college, I met some awesome people that I don’t know what I’d do without, and I’ve lost some others that I won’t soon forget. I’ve learned the hard way that just because you’ve known someone for 12 years doesn’t mean that they wont betray your trust in them not violate you in your sleep, and that sometimes the only thing that you can do to move forward is to take a few steps back and figure out why you were standing still to begin with. I’ve made some good choices and some that I’m not so proud of. There are some moments that I wish I could go back in time and change and others that I am going to treasure forever. I got to see my favorite band perform live for the first time and I have never been happier or more excited in my life. I traveled to wisconsin with two of my best friends, and went camping for the first time without my parents. I smoked my first cigar, turned 18, and found out that the club scene is most certainly not for me. I’ve had my heart broken and been nearly consumed by an unshakeable depression. I ended myself in the emergency room a few times due to my anxiety and I don’t think i’ve ever been more stressed out. It has been a very interesting year to say the least, but I am more than ready to be done with it.

My hopes are that in 2011 things will begin to look up. In 2011 I refuse to be a victim. I will stand up for the things that I believe in and not back down for anything less than a gun pointed at my head. I will not regret anything I do and I will finally get around to doing the things I’ve been putting off for years. This year I am going to stop planning out every aspect of my life and start leaving some things to chance, but at the same time, I’m going to start making the things I want to happen, happen. This year I want to begin to find out what it is that I want in my life, and who I want to be as a person. Im going to stop letting every little thing bother me and I am going to finally find a way to control my anxiety. I will do my best to stay out of the emergency room and to take better care of myself. I am going to lose 10 pounds and finally be happy with how I look. I’m done with caring about what everyone else thinks. Hopefully this year I can finally find my mister right, quite frankly I’m tired of being alone. This year I’m going to learn how to play the drums, or maybe the piano, or hell, maybe both. I’m going to finally start seriously working on my book again, and if I can find the time, maybe I’ll even finish it. I realize that to expect all of my goals to become realities within the next 358 days may seem unrealistic, but the point is that my intentions are for a better future. And really, that’s all the resolution I need. 

2011 is about to be the best damn year you’ve ever seen, or atleast it better be, afterall, were all going to die in 2012 anyway. ;]


Jan 7, 2011
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