Well obviously yesterday was St Patricks Day. But Im telling you right now, I did not spend my day drinking heavily while dressed as a sexy leprechaun, so if you’re expecting some wild ‘I woke up in a bush today’ story.. well, sorry to disappoint you. 

No, I spent my St Patty’s day with my amazing boyfriend, whose goal must be for me to never completely figure him out because he’s always full of nice surprises that make me love him even more than I already do. He came over to pick me up and we hung out at my house for a little while before taking off to 12 oaks mall. (The lack of complaints I heard while we were walking in and out of my favorite stores already giving him points for the day.) He got himself a new pair of shoes, which he was certainly in need of.. I don’t know what it is about guys and their lack of priority when it comes to things like this.. But I guess just because I have over 100 pairs of shoes and can not physically avoid a Bakers when it’s in the direct vicinity doesn’t necessarily make shoes something that are on the top of anyone else’s list. But moving on, we went to go look in the sports stores of the mall and he ended up getting himself a new hat from the m-den before deciding that he needed some sunglasses, since I don’t know if you noticed, but it was a gorgeous day out, and we were going to go play some mini golf after leaving 12 oaks. So now let me conjure up an image of what Joe looks like at this point. He changed into his new shoes, has his snazzy new shades on, and is now rocking his new hat backwards. So basically he’s looking like Trey from Laguna Beach, (don’t pretend like you don’t know what Im talking about, we all watched it) and he is looking damn fine. ;]

So we get over to the mini golf place, (the one on ford with the pirate ships) and Im ready to own because I have home turf advantage right? ….. But lets make this clear, I probably would have won if Joe wasn’t such a hoverer on the green while I was putting, or if he hadn’t been to the driving range the day before, or been distracting me by looking so damn attractive the whole time I was trying to concentrate.. And to be fair I did get a hole in one on our first hole.. and I did only lose to him by 10 points (he got a 44 to my 54 (which is still good in my book, so hah >=] )) But anyway.. After that little let down we picked up some McDonald’s (I now drink their sweet tea like it’s water.) and headed back to my house to eat before heading back to his place for the night. 

And so we watched Moonlight (a super great vampire show that only ran for one season, they play it on scyfy sometimes) while we ate, and I grabbed some things because lets face it, It was St. Patricks day and I didn’t want Joe driving me home while all the stupid drunks were on their way home from the bars.. Plus I just like having an excuse to fall asleep with the love of my life’s arms around me x] 

So we got back to his house and watched some of an episode of Too Cute! (a  super adorable show about kittens and puppies, best show EVER.. just saying.) before Joe decided that we were going to watch the Red Wings play instead.. =[ But I can’t say I was all that upset about it really because we were cuddling and I was about to fall asleep anyway. Its not even comparable how much better I sleep with Joe around (even though he likes to leave his tv on super loud all night long (until I shut it off after he falls asleep of course)) in comparison to how Im going to sleep tonight all by myself in my bed with my cat.. sigh.

And so, while I did not spend my St Patricks Day all drunk and dressed slutty, (I did look super cute though btw, and was wearing some green.. not that you all would have seen it ;P ) I did spend my day having a wonderful time with Joe shopping, losing at mini golf, and cuddling until we fell asleep. OH and I forgot to mention one of the best parts of how I spent my day yesterday.. How I felt today. Yep. I woke up early, Joe drove me home, I made myself some blueberry pancakes, took a quiz for school, studied for an upcoming exam, and went out shopping and to lunch at a sushi restaurant with my Mom. All of which I did without the hangover that majority of you are probably experiencing today, and I wouldn’t change a second of it (..well.. maybe I would make it so that we watched the marathon of the kitten show instead of the Red Wings game.. But other than that nothing) ;P

Yeah. That just about covers it..

When 2011 started to say that I was in a dark place would probably be a mild understatement. But now, looking back, I can barely recognize the girl that I used to be. She was so full of pain and sadness and an insecurity that was anything but stable. And I stand here today so full of life and love. That’s not to say that 2011 didn’t have it’s fair share of difficulties. There were certainly tears among the laughter, but more than anything there was love. And that was the only part that really mattered. And it’s the only part that will really ever matter again.

I had so many resolutions and changes for myself last year. I’ve come to the conclusion that people only make lists when they’re unhappy with where they are in life. Not to mention how superficial majority of new years resolutions really are anyway. So what if I do or don’t lose 5 pounds this year? Im healthy.. well, healthy enough, what more could I really ask for? It’s not like being 5 pounds thinner for bikini season is going to make me that much more happy with my life. 

This year I have no resolutions. Ive realized Ive wasted so much time writing down all the absurd things that I claim to have my mind set on changing or accomplishing in my life and its time that I just start making them happen. 

In my book, this year Im already ahead of the game. I spent new years eve out to eat with one of my oldest and truest friends, her boyfriend and mine, I finally got my midnight kiss.. as well as some other things, and I woke up new years morning in my best friends arms. I already have a great job, I already do pretty decent in school, and I already have some pretty dependable family and friends. More so than anything, I have the love of my life to share every second of it with me. And just knowing that right there already makes it a pretty great year to me.

So this year Im done with lists and over analyzing my life. I have the most important parts of it already figured out. I’m just going to continue to do things to the best of my ability. I expect to laugh, to cry, to get overly stressed out about things that wont matter in the long run, get taken advantage of, and feel utterly and completely worthless on occasion. But I also expect and know that I will be loved every step of the way. And this time, that is more than enough for me. 

If the world ends, it ends. But I’m going to leave it with a smile on my face, knowing that my life has never been better than it is at this very moment. Bring it on 2012, I’m ready for you. <3

What did I do to warrant all the bullshit going on in my life this past week?.. =/

Started off being made to feel utterly worthless by the person that I love most in this world, again.. Why would you put your friends before me? You always say that you love me more than anything and you want to spend your life with me.. does that just not include your time? Stop acting like this has only happened once.. Sure, I know I’ve done things that have bothered you too, but I’ve never once made you feel unimportant in my life, I’ve always gone out of my way to make sure you know how much you mean to me. I always put you first, even when you probably shouldn’t be, I always put you ahead of myself.

Then yesterday my adorable hamster Lilly escapes, she’s still wandering around my house somewhere, hopefully nowhere the cats will find her before I do.. Lilly come home =[ I left your cage on the floor with the door open, just come back, I hate being this anxious.

I feel like I’m just worn down and exhausted all day. I should probably start testing my sugar again and taking a little better care of myself. My heart’s been acting up again, I feel so broken.. I should probably just suck it up and stop whining, I really don’t have it that bad. I hear from my Dad all the time that most of my problems are my own fault anyway. If I went on a couple medications, ate healthier, exercised more, and went and saw a therapist maybe I wouldn’t be like this. But how much of yourself would you be willing to give up just to make your heart beat normally or not be so sad or anxious all the time? I don’t want to be all hopped up on medication or go to some therapist like I’m a basket case. I don’t need the constant reminder that I’m damaged. Sure, I end up in the hospital every so often, but 77% of the time I’m just fine. And it’s that percentage that I’d rather not jeopardize.

My car broke down today.. Thank god I wasn’t on the main road and Joe was nearby. Despite how bad he makes me feel sometimes, it’s nothing compared to how calm and safe and loved I usually feel around him. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him. I still have no idea what happened to my car, the battery was fine, but I have noticed the check engine light on, not to mention I’ve been needing coolant for quite some time.. Both of which I mentioned to my father last week.. So Joe tries to see if anything is obviously wrong with my car, we both came up blank, I called my mom, who called my dad, who then called me to yell at me because obviously I must have done something wrong and then as if that wasnt enough, he proceeds to tell me that he’s just tooo busy to come and help me and try to see what’s wrong. Im just going to have to call a tow truck.. Seriously? How the fuck can you call yourself a Dad? Your only child, your daughter, is broken down, on the verge of tears, and you’re going to yell at me and belittle me, asking me if I just ran out of gas? I’m not Tracy, I know you probably see her more than you see me since she’s always whoring around the shop, but I’d think you’d know I’m not that stupid, then again, you don’t know a lot of things about me anymore. Every day I see you wake up later and go into work whenever you want, and half the time you’re even at work all you’re doing is goofing off and drinking with your friends, or getting your hair cut or your back massaged by some skank who for some god forsaken reason you have more respect and admiration for than your own daughter. How dare you claim to be too busy to come help me, I asked you last week to take a look at my car to make sure it was alright. But now you’re going to blame it on my driving a half hour to go see my boyfriend? I don’t think so. What about all the back and forth to get to work, or the 15 minutes it takes to get to school everyday? No, surely the root of all my fucking problems is the 30 minute drive I make maybe twice a week to spend time with the guy who actually gave a shit enough about me to try and help me figure out what was wrong with my car, who stayed with me and convinced me that everything was going to be fine. Who upon my thanking him for staying with me when he should have been getting ready to go to work, looked at me like I was crazy for even mentioning it. He’s my boyfriend, but you’re my father, how come you had no issues leaving me and making me feel worse than I already did? But yes, you’re right. He’s the problem. 

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I fucking chip my tooth on a spoon.. All I wanted to do was come home and relax on the couch before I started my homework. My Mom fixed me a bowl of vanilla bean ice cream with caramel on it to make me feel better. It was working. Only problem was, we used melted caramel like you use to make caramel apples instead of ice cream topping, so it got really hard and crunchy when it touched the ice cream. It ended up freezing to my spoon, which I tried to bite off, and yep.. Chipped my tooth. My front fucking tooth. You can’t really see it unless you look for it thank god, but i’m probably going to have to go have it sealed. -.-

Yeah I know It’s not like anything catastrophic happened, but seriously? Wtf? It’s like god just decided ‘Finals coming isn’t stressful enough, this ought to get her!’ I was aiming for this to be the first semester of finals that didn’t send me to the emergency room, but if this shit keeps up I may as well reserve myself a room.

Having one of those days. Well, not so much ‘days’ as ‘nights’ I suppose. That’s how it usually happens though right? You’re fine when you’re out and about with friends and the people who love and care about you, but its then, in the middle of the night, when you’re alone in your bed that your thoughts drift to that dark place in your mind. No matter how much you try to ignore it or prevent it, suddenly the flood gates collapse and you’re bombarded by every regret you’ve ever had, and all the sad things that have ever happened in your life are on your mind, flashing through with nothing to be done to stop it. And it’s then, that you find yourself alone. 

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. I’ve never been so excited for the future, but at the same time, I’m completely terrified of it. As much as I want to believe that everything is going to work out like I’ve planned, there’s still that nagging in the back of my mind that tells me that there’s no way it could be that easy, that there’s no way I even deserve to be that happy. And as much as I hate to say it, there’s a part of me that believes every word. Yet there’s also a part of me that wants to fast forward and prove that part of myself wrong, and then there’s another part of me that wishes that I could stay in this moment forever, being blindly happy and hopeful that everything will work out just fine, just incase it doesn’t. 

And of course, you can’t think about the future without glancing back into the past. We finally buried Buttercup last weekend. It was probably stupid of me to even think that it would be any easier since she passed away over a year ago, but I did. And it wasn’t. We buried her with her bunny and some of her other favorite toys and then planted a memorial tree on her grave, just like we did with Charlie, who I’ve also been thinking about a lot lately. I miss Charlie so much. I don’t think anyone will ever understand how I could be so attached to a dog. But Charlie was more than that. 

I dream about him sometimes. Not as often as I used to, but he still shows up every once and again. I used to think, and still do actually, that he shows up in my dreams when I most need him to let me know that he’s still watching over me and protecting me, like when he was here. Think I’m crazy if you want, doesn’t matter much to me what you think, he wasn’t and never will be just a dog. He was my bestfriend. I don’t know who or where I’d be without him. Dog truly is man’s best friend. I don’t know what to call it or how it happens, but the wordless connection that I made with that stupid dog is stronger than I’ve had with majority of people I’ve ever met or cared about. One look from those big beautiful brown eyes and everything in the world was a little better. 

Still sounding like a nut, I know. Once again, don’t care. I know there are people out there that completely understand. Or maybe they don’t, their loss. The real reason I’m upset is that I’m starting to forget. I’m sitting here, unable to remember just how soft yet coarse his fur felt beneath my fingers, how he smelled, and how gross his tongue felt on my face when he would wake me up every morning by ‘giving Katie kisses’. I know it has been years since he passed away, and I’ve completely accepted why he’s gone and that he’s in a better place now, but this is different. I feel like I’m losing him again because my memory of him is getting fuzzy. I hate it. And the worse part is, there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

And then there’s the present. Which is currently reflected by my adorable, yet diabolical cat, who’s curled up in my lap purring softly, kneading my leg. And suddenly life is somehow a little better again.

The summer of 2011 is drawing to a close. Sunset has been sneaking up and taking that extra hour of daytime back from us and our nights are slowing becoming cooler again. School is just around the corner. Football season is almost upon us. (Go Blue!) And long nights that drag into even longer mornings will soon become a staple in my agenda. 

As I reflect upon this past summer I cant help but wonder why I even make plans and goals for myself anymore. I can never seem to accomplish anything I set my mind to. It’s unbelievably frustrating. I can only hope that during this school year I can manage to find enough focus and determination to get through it without any major breakdowns or freakouts. It would also be nice if I could actually do well enough to appeal my revoked scholarship. I fear that this task could end up stressing me out more than anything though. 

I recently got back from the second annual trip to Wisconsin with my bff’s Zack and Eric. Not so sure if there’s going to be a third.. Seemed like everyone was stressed out and upset more times than happy and having a good time. I caught a couple decent sized bass, but not quite as large as last year, neither of the guys ended up catching anything though, which seemed to make Zack all kinds of angry. I swear, every time that boy pulled his jig through some weeds he actually had the biggest fish in the lake attached to the end of his line. I also found out that I’m actually a pretty decent poker player, Mr Herman was right on that one xD. But yeah, all those times watching Joe play texas hold em on my phone after stealing it from me actually taught me something. haha. I really love it up there though. It’s so peaceful and beautiful and it’s the perfect place to wind down the summer and relax before classes start. Next year we’re thinking about renting a cabin, just me, Joe, Eric, Ken, and Simon, I think it would be quite an adventure. Granted, this year in particular wasn’t really the most relaxing, and it certainly had some down points, but it’s really great to spend time with old friends that you don’t usually get to see day to day. 

On the other hand, It really sucks to be away from those that you love more than anything for such a long time. As much as I missed my parents and my kitties, I’ve got to say, It was being away from Joe that really got under my skin. That boy has such a ridiculous hold on me. Every time I even thought about him, which was nearly every second of the day, my whole body just ached, I missed him so much I was starting to lose my mind. Twelve days is far too long to be away from my Joeybear. If it turns out that he has to go far away to teach, and I’m still in school I don’t even know what I’d do. 

It’s still really crazy to think that I’ve found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I never in a million years thought that I could ever be this happy, hell, I didn’t think it was humanly possible to even be as happy as I am when I’m with Joe. He’s truly amazing. <3

There’s so much more that I could say pertaining to this past summer, but quite frankly, my head’s become a jumble and I think I want to go to sleep. Until next time then. <3

So. The past week was pretty insane. I’ve been working my ass off to the point of exhaustion being that finals are right around the corner. I actually ended up in the emergency room last thursday because of all the stress and how it affects my heart. At least, that’s what I’m going to go a head and assume happened. I was on my way to work, freaking out about my trip to Chicago the next day and all of my projects due the following week and I started to get some really intense chest pains. Like, worse than i’ve ever experienced and I started shaking, my face turned red, and my whole left side started to tingle and ache. I tried to just blow it off being that I was already late for work, but Joe was insistent that I go to the hospital and get checked out.

So I went into work, planning on just working anyway, but as soon as I walked through the door everyone started asking me what was wrong. I hadn’t noticed, but I started crying, visibly shaking, and I was burning up. Needless to say, I ended up in the emergency room for the next 3 hours. And once again, they found nothing wrong with me. -.- 

The Doctor tried telling me that I couldn’t go on my trip until I talked to my family doctor, and my Dad tried telling me that I couldn’t go because we were driving there and back in the same day and I obviously wouldn’t be able to handle it. But there was no way in hell that I was missing my concert. 

So the next morning I got all my things together and headed off to pick up the boys. First stop we went to the gas station and the idiots didn’t know how to open the hood of my car, or check the oil.. I showed them what to do, Ken added some more oil to Clank and then we were on our way. We werent even out of GC before the ‘Are we there yet?’s’ began, and soon enough Ken was hitting Matt on the head with a water bottle repeating ‘Umad?’ over and over again until Ken decided he wanted to take a nap. Eventually it was Matt’s turn to drive.. which was short lived because he pulled over about a half hour later and made me drive the rest of the way there.. -.-

Upon entering Chicago they woke up, and I could finally answer ‘yes’ when Ken asked me if we were there yet. This was also short lived because we got lost due to mapquest being a piece of shit. After freaking out and going on the wrong expressway a couple of times, I pulled over, set the gps in my phone, and we were back on our way. 

The line was already pretty intense by the time that we got there, and after an adventure to find the nearest bathroom after Matt yelling at me every couple of seconds that he needed to pee, we got into line and started our 4 hour wait to see the band that we had traveled so far to see: My Chemical Romance. <3

The wait would have been fine if it hadn’t started to rain.. Wait turned from ‘fun, excited, and anxious’ to ‘hair ruined, clothes wet, body cold. fail.’ in a very short period of time.. Luckily there was a dollar store that had nifty ponchos nearby. ;]

After a while we went and got some amazing Pizza from a little shop in the same plaza as was the dollar store. Then between Matt and Ken destroying each others ponchos and the Mom in front of us talking to me about her daughter aiming to be on broadway, we were pretty entertained.. I guess.. lmao

Eventually the rain started to get to us and we were all freezing. So we decided that a group huddle would be a good solution. This worked out alright for a while, then Matt decided to abandon the group, leaving me and Ken clinging to each other in the rain. Momma Tracii still talking away at me. 

FINALLY the doors opened and we got all excited again. 

We ran over to the floor in front of the stage to stake a claim on a spot before the concert began. We surprisingly didn’t have to wait long until the lights went dimm and the first band started to play. As soon as the Architects started their set the whole crowd started to push forward, something I was not expecting.

I was officially lost from the guys.

It was fine for a while, actually almost fun for about two seconds before I started having trouble breathing. And it was about that point that everything started to go down hill. When the Neon Trees came on, for some reason the lead singer decided that it would be a good idea to tell the crowd to go crazy and start hitting each other while they performed their song ‘Animal’. asshole. -.- 

They were done soon enough, and then everyone started going real bat shit insane waiting for MCR. The rational side of me realized what a bad idea being in the pit was and desperately wanted to find a way out, but the rest of me was too high on the idea of being right in front of the stage when my favorite band started to play. I think its pretty obvious what part won that argument. 

Once again the lights dimmed down and the screaming began, as well as the pushing. By this time I was only like 10 feet from the stage. I was covered in sweat, majority of it not even my own, my jeans were being ripped every which way and my shirt ended up getting pulled down and exposing my lacy red bra. It got intense. There was no halt in the movement of what I can accurately describe as the sea of people I was standing in. It was high tide. 

As hard as it had been to stay on my feet the entire time, It got so much worse once Gerard started to sing. Everyone started to sing along when Nanananana started, temporarily halting the pushing and shoving of the crowd around me. For those couple seconds, life was amazing. 

Then I felt myself falling. 

I keep describing the crowd as a sea during high tide, but once I hit the ground it became even more accurate. As the people around me fell on top of me and I could no longer see anything, I felt like I was drowning. All I could do was scream and hope to not be trampled or suffocated. Boy did I scream. 

It didn’t take too long before I was hoisted back up unto my feet by a nice girl I was chatting with previously, of course this wasn’t before I got my ankle stepped on by the guy on top of me. Once I was back on my feet I had to close my eyes and breathe slowly for a little while so that I didn’t have a panic attack in the middle of the pit. The last thing I wanted to do was start freaking out in the midst of what can only be described as total chaos.

As soon as the song ended Gerard stopped to have a few words with the audience. He said how he noticed a group of people fall and how instantly he saw the people around stop to help them up and to “keep doing that,” he said he didn’t want to see any of the fans hurt and for us to continue to keep looking out for each other. 

The fact that he had made reference to that group falling, to me falling, made the whole situation better. Yeah sure, he doesn’t know who I am personally, but for those couple of seconds that he made a personal reference to what had just happened and that he cared about what happened to us, made me feel kind of special.

And soon enough, the feeling was gone and I was being thrown around again. Pretty quickly I started to feel light headed and began considering leaving the pit. But once again, I was determined to enjoy the concert fully. Then I blacked out. And after that, It became clear, that being tossed around like a rag doll by people I didn’t know, being trampled, and elbowed in the face, was in no way helping me to enjoy the concert. So I got an escort out of the crowd.

It didn’t take long before I found Matt and Ken again. I knew they wouldn’t stay in the pit, and just like I had figured, I found them on the sidelines near the stairs. I went to drag them both into a much needed hug and Matt just kind of pushed me into Ken. I mean, I know didn’t look the cutest and was covered in other peoples sweat, but I didn’t expect to be pushed away..

After getting a drink and splashing my face with some cold water in the ladies room I was feeling loads better. I made my way back to the guys and we all enjoyed the rest of the concert together.

We beat the crowd and left as soon as the final song ended and the guys walked off stage, Ray with a dragging limp. Yet another example to add to the list of how insanely dedicated those men are to their music. He rocked it with everything he had, I didn’t even realize he was hurt until he walked off stage. 

The drive to get home was a brutal one. When we had first made our plans back in november we were going to get a hotel room.. but due to conflicts with Matt’s schooling we ended up having to drive home straight after the concert. And let me tell you, driving 5 hours to chicago, getting your shit fucked up at a concert, and then driving 5 hours home right afterward will destroy you. 

I drove us for an hour and a half before I started to fall asleep at the wheel. Ken, noticing my exhaustion, made me pull over so that he could drive the rest of the way home. I talked to Joe for a while on the phone about the concert before I started to nod off once again. 

It was raining, dark to the point that we could barely see the road, and we thought a few times that we were going to crash. All the while Matt slept in the backseat, waking up to yell at us whenever we screamed about not being able to see. 

Eventually it became extremely hard for me to keep my eyes open, which Ken noticed and tried to force me to take a nap being that I still would have to drive myself home after dropping the guys off. Didn’t change the fact that I didn’t want to leave him awake by himself with 160 miles left to drive by himself. 

Quickly enough Matt woke up, unable to get anymore sleep in the car, and I passed out for the next 2 hours until we got back into Garden City. 

By the time I got to sleep it was almost 5:30 in the morning, the birds outside chirping happily. Me, completely exhausted. 

And now today, my last day of classes in my first year of college. It’s crazy how fast time flies anymore. It feels like just the other day that this semester started, just the other day that I found the man of my dreams in my english class, just the other day that I realized just how much my life has changed for the better. Just the other day that I fell in love. 

I have never in my life been as stressed out as during this past week. Yet I wouldn’t change a thing. 

As always, my darling boyfriend has been there for me to calm me down and make me realize that things are never as terrible as they seem. He has been my rock, my constant, my safety and stability. I can only hope that he never grows sick of me.

Now, as I get ready to go to my last class of the year, I feel almost sad that it should be over, yet fitting that English 230 should be my last class of the year. And so the end has finally come, but like all endings, this one shall bring a new beginning. The beginning of summer. 

And that is something that I could truly use right about now. <3

As life moves forward, time slips through your fingers. As the days move on, so do other people. As one heart shatters, a million others do the same. So don’t let life carry on with out you. Call your own shots. Don’t let time take away the chances you have at happiness. Never regret a broken heart, just find someone to help you put it back together.

Work with time, not against it, because alone, you’ll never stand a chance. 

Why does no one write letters anymore? Now days people barely take the time to email or write notes. All forms of informal communication have limited to texting or using social gathering sites, even talking on the phone is becoming less common. 

Personally there is nothing better than getting a handwritten note or letter. Knowing that someone took the time to actually sit down, organize their thoughts, and put pen to paper, really means something in my opinion. Scratch that, it doesn’t even matter if it’s organized, just a stream of someones thoughts written down in a tangible form and given to me, whether it be in person, by mail, or attached to my car, or bedroom window, is one of the cutest, most sincere ways to show someone that you care. 

I think it’s unfair that romance movies always use letters as the basic form of communication. They’re always beautifully scripted and written and I find it to be an extremely inaccurate representation of how people communicate and woo each other today. And that is something that I find to be very unfortunate because I suck with words verbally. When I can take the time to think about what I really want to say and then write it out (using more than 60 characters), then is when you’ll really understand how I feel. Because my mind is a mess, but when it has some time to process, It actually has some worthwhile thoughts.